Seriously, hook-and-eye? How 1400's is that? There has to be a better way to fasten the ol' brassiere. If the hooks are in the front, they don't stay hooked, and if they're in the back, my fellow spatially-challenged holsterers and I deem impossible the upside-down, backwards, and -- frankly unnatural -- contortion necessary for success. The resulting sprained wrists and stretched rotator cuffs have gone undocumented for far too long. I'm telling you, it's a feat designed for the double-jointed (and I mean every joint from the shoulders down to the fingernails).
And do not even talk to me about sports bras. First, I've yet to see a sports bra made in my ample size (One size does NOT fit all.), and, second, I think I'd rather wrestle myself into a pair of panty hose at 6:00 in the morning -- and I refuse to do that.
Evidently there's an industry rule against having straps that stay put and any other desirable feature both in one model. If the straps stay put, something else is terribly wrong with the design; if everything else is fabulous about the design, the straps are constantly slipping off the shoulder. I am just about ready to have Velcro surgically installed on my shoulders.
Now the zipper: there's no question in my mind that the same gender responsible for the high heel also brought us the side and back zippers to afflict women the world around. Somewhere, a descendant of this particular sadist is secretly recording video of these fasteners in action while snickering wickedly.
As for the side zipper, the successful user simply has to be a mutant with one arm far longer than the other and no boobs. "That's all I have to say about that."
When it comes to a back zipper, first there is the issue of the missing third hand. Especially for the back zipper in pants, one hand is needed to hold the top two ends of the zipper together. I know of no exception. Second, the longer the back zipper is (as for a dress), the more unnatural the contortion. The first contortion (elbows down, hands wrapped around back) gets the slider into the exact position on the back that has historically been unreachable, requiring a panicked plea for someone nearby to scratch that itch. Then it's time to switch to the second contortion (elbows up, hands over shoulder and down to current slider position). It is in this situation and at this point that the third hand again becomes necessary -- to hold the bottom of the zipper down so that the slider can move upward efficiently along the zipper track.
After all that, it's over, right? NO -- because what is at the top of almost every back zipper? We're back to that damnable hook-and-eye.
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